Memo to GB: Government Communications

Oh dear. Things had started so well. But like a yo-yo dieter, it doesn’t take long for old habits to creep back does it?

1) Your parliamentary performances need working on. The stuttering, hand shaking and silly habit of diving into minutiae rather than getting your soundbites out clean need urgent attention. You made your name twenty years ago standing in for John Smith when he had his first heart attack and knocked seven bells out of Chancellor Nigel Lawson across the Despatch Box. You can do it champ!

2) Chill out man! You’ve done it; you’re Prime Minister, enjoy it! Be gracious. Delegate more. Stop micro-managing. And remember to smile. A disaster has two elements: the initial calamity and the reaction to it. If you look as though you are taking things in your stride, people have faith in your ability to sort the problem out. Blair spent ten years coasting like this. You often look like problems are cutting you to the bone, so they compound. Work on your non-verbal communication. PDQ.

3) The Government needs a good frontman; someone reliable to communicate the Government’s case. At the moment you are short of decent talent in this department. You should reappoint a Minister-without-Portfolio/ Labour Party Chairman. It needs to be someone tough and silky to front-up the Government’s case.

And let’s face it, casting an eye around the Cabinet table doesn’t turn up much in the way of silk.

Jacqui Smith just looks flaky. Darling is narcoleptic. Yvette Cooper is tetchy. Ruth Kelly sounds like a WPC making an appeal on Crimewatch. While Ed Balls has all your worst habits plus a few of his own to boot. Meanwhile Harriet Harman – job sharing as party chairman and leader of the house - is plodding and dull-witted.

Much as it galls a class warrior like me to say it, the man for the job is Shaun Woodward. He’s not got too much on as Northern Ireland Secretary, so make him party chairman as well. He’s certainly silky. He’s also a tough old media pro. Crucially, he’s also English and speaks fluent Tory. As you’d expect!

In short, everything that the Government needs to project at the moment.

Even if it pains me to say so.